Time for some reflection...

January 28th... its the day that my grandfather and one of my closest friends died. Not saying that I wasn't close to my grandpa, but the death of my friend probably hit me harder because of the circumstances around his passing. My grandpa was always in and out of the hospital for various bypasses and other stuff, plus he had lived a long life. He had a stroke on January 21st, 2003, which put him in a week long coma from which he would never wake from. He was removed from live support on January 28th, 2003, and that time of my life was really hard. College applications, recruiting trips, band rehearsals, and varsity basketball were all on my plate, not to mention finishing up my senior year, then that had to happen. But the worse part was that I had a feeling he would pass on the 28th, even as machines were keeping him alive for about a week. See, the year before, we got terrible news that I think changed all of my classmates lives forever.

January 27th, 2002, in the middle of basketball season, running around preparing for college entrance exams, sectionals for band, and of course basketball. It was probably the last day I lived without a feeling of regret. Before that, Greg Gaines had become a pretty close friend of mine. We shared a lot of common interests, the biggest probably being professional wrestling. He was one of the few people I could talk to about wrestling with out getting weird reactions from. He also enjoyed playing Pokemon, something I would pick up at the waaayy too old age of 17 and still played somewhat in college. We were both in band, he played the clarinet, while I was on the trombone. I believe 2001-02 was the first year that he was in Symphonic Band, the A-band of our school, which mean grueling 6-8pm rehearsals, which really put a grind on some of us who just had sports practices from 4-6pm. I remember helping him with his bow tie, it was such a struggle to put on, as his dress shirt collar didn't flip up, rather there were loops in the collar to thread the tie through. But we used to ride the bus home together. Sure, I would take a side track on the same bus he rode just to have someone to talk to, and funny, he was probably the last constant companion I've had on the bus. But we'd talk and enjoy the 20 minute ride from UH Manoa to Ala Moana, where I'd get off and continue on to Waikiki from there while he'd stay on until the bus reached Downtown. I remember he wanted to go to Wake Forest to golf, which many of us thought was a weird choice of school, if only because most of us had not made up our minds on what school to attend, me included. But that day, the 27th, I was late for basketball practice for some reason, probably because I was on the yearbook committee, and I was in such a rush, that I had noticed Greg returning to campus as I was headed for the gym, but did not acknowledge him or say hi or anything. I figured I'd see him the next day. Oh boy...

One of the girls came running into our class the next day, crying about something. The guys figured she was having some kind of boy problems. Well in a way, she was, and so were we. Death is a hard time to handle, whether you are 17 to 70. It's probably easier to face death when it's expected, like in the case with my grandpa, as it seemed to finally be his time to go. But death is unexpected when it happens to a high school junior. It was even more shocking to hear that he had jumped out of his apartment window. To this day, I don't know the entire story of why he did it. It's still hard for me to wrap my mind around that. He didn't seem like the type of person to do that. And I still think, maybe if I had said hi to him the day before. If I had given him a hug once in his life. If I could have been nicer to him. If I could have helped him. Maybe he'd still be here today, maybe playing golf, which was his passion. Maybe he would have went to Wake Forest or another great university and have a great job. Maybe he would be living a great, happy life with someone who he loves and loves him in return.

I don't think I handled his death properly. Then again, I hadn't faced death with a person so close to me yet. Sure, older relatives had passed away, but I always figured it was their time. But at the time, he was probably the closest thing I had to a best friend. And now, I don't know if there's anyone I know who I can call a best friend or who could do the same in return. I remember we used to do Secret Santa for Christmas gifts, and by some luck, we drew each other and he gave me a wrestling calendar while I gave him a couple of wrestling figurines. But I like to remember that I hung out with him a lot at the university Campus Center and the arcade. I didn't go to his home or anything, don't get me wrong, I hadn't been to many of my friend's homes at all. But ever since, I don't think I ever really got close with one or two people, rather I have a lot of acquaintances that I know and can talk to. But there isn't that one person I can really trust with my feelings and I can be really truthful with.

I've been thinking about this question for a while as I see some of my high school classmates having children while others are married. If you had to choose, would you rather be wealthy and have a great job or be with someone who unconditionally loves you? I'm not saying in either position, but I do enjoy my job, probably for the people that I work over the kind of work I do, while I still haven't found a girl in the right situation. Every time I think I'm close, something comes in the way, work, other commitments, etc. Two people on my project are not married and they seem fairly old. I know I'm only 23, but I do not want to end up like them. They may live wonderful lives, but me, I feel like I need to share my life with someone else. Even right now, I feel pretty lonely in my apartment, with no one I know within a 10 mile radius of me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the right one. I felt like I have several times, but it has never panned out. Maybe I need to change my life, and do it fast. Then again, I don't know how to go out and meet people outside of work and school. I've never figured it out, like how all of the girls in high school had a boyfriend not in our class, yet the guys were stuck out of luck. Hmm, maybe I need to have a conversation with someone about this. But again, who do I go to with questions like this? It's a vicious cycle that can't seem to be broken.

I also need to stop building up some girls only to be shot down. Well, not really shot down, just either I run out of time or something better comes along (to them, not to me). I admit, I was intimidated by girls before. Now, not so much, but the more I talk to one, the closer I feel to them, and soon I get attached. Then all I think about is spending more time with the girl, though now if that thought pops into my mind, I try to quickly squash it, knowing its not going to pan out into anything that I imagine. I try to be around the girl as much as possible, but now again, I've learned to stop obsessing with being around her and try to just let things happen. I don't want to go into the specifics, but my mind has not been on work at work recently, just on someone else. It's hard to concentrate sometimes, and I have to go for a walk just to clear my mind.

Well, that was quite a sidetrack. I just needed to vent/release some stress, and I feel like writing is the best way to do it. Blogging allows me to see and reflect from wherever I have internet access, as I can't write by hand, my penmanship is terrible. It doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway. What do I need? I need a nice long hug...